I chose to become rather skeptical lately when it comes to what decisions I should make. I realize now, painfully quite, after several years that I have simply thrown myself so easily at life and allowed it to take advantage of me in many ways. At that time I guess, I thought that life was simply offering me privileges and that I ought to endulge in them and accept them regardless of what my inner true calling was telling me. I used to think I'll just go with the flow and let life's 'wave' carry me on as far as it can and that I'll just deal with whatever obstacle I may have to face. Sadly as I stated before, I came to the conclusion that it just simply isn't so. Everyone in their lives has somewhat of a calling, whether it is to be a plumber, a trapeze performer, a doctor, an astronaut, a soldier or an actor...it is because there is a passion deep within which surpasses any other, a passion to make life fit oneself the way he or she desires to in order to make him/her happy.
I am not happy.
I feel confined and compelled by a physical, moral and circumstancial force which truthfully I had brought upon myself, not knowing what it really entails. I feel constrained by habit to a life not of my own but strangely mine. Why is that so? I sit here and I ponder because it sort of hurts me inside and makes me cringe at the thought of it all. I now realize that once we are about to make a life decision which gives us even the slightest doubt, we ought to not go through with it or at least re-consider it and weigh other options (if available.)
I can only half-smile.
I have a constrained smile, lacking true joy and excitement about the future, because I can almost forsee the future and what it holds. Nothing of what I had initially planned for myself. The reason for this is because I did not believe that planning everything was strictly essential, merely a 'requirement' in society. It is. It is essential when it comes to placing oneself on the step he/she wants to be placed on. I wish I could just change a few things, but then even the slightest, smallest thing that I would change would therefore impact my whole life as it is right now. Had I not taken the paths in life that I had taken, would I have met the same people, made the same mistakes and learned the same valuable lessons? The question is, would I need those valuable lessons had I not taken those paths? Where am I now? I want to wake up in the morning and feel free, free from my own chains. It is quite ironic how one can chain him/herself up in such a manner in which he/she can no longer escape; where one consciously puts on cuffs knowing they may never find the key; tying up knots which they know not how to untie.
This is me right now, I feel tied, chained and 'knotted.'
I want to find the key, be able to untie the knot and take off these chains. I want out.
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2 comments:
Surprising, no one commented on this. Or is it that you prefer none.
I feel the same way... sort of like taking the bait... I have learned to not accept every challenge, but i conversate with myself, deliberating with myself if that one day this experience that can be gained may one day work in my favor. So it is a question of "being open to new things" or not?
THANKS I appreciate your comment. I do realize now, far after writing that post that it has worked in my favor more than against me, however I can only wonder where would I be now had I not "taken the bait" as you said :).
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