swimming

I am feeling a little under the water, like I am above water with my eyes but with my mouth and half of my nostrils I am beneath. Water is splashing in my eyes from time to time as the waves are smoothly but surely crashing into me. I wonder how I would cope in a lake, perhaps a pond or even a puddle? I guess however, that there are only a certain few, luckier ones, who get to stay in the pond or the lake, all of us other ones, less lucky, get thrown in the big ocean like little fish get thrown in a fish tank to serve as food for the bigger fish. So now what do I do? Well I guess since the ocean is the only water I know, one would be correct to assume that by now I would be quite accustomed to the occasional bigger waves (aside from the usual smaller ones of course) but the truth is, you can never be fully prepared for those waves, I mean how do you know? You don't. They just come out of nowhere...from beneath, like the tsunamis. Sometimes it's ok because some of the bigger wave carry me with them for a while...they keep me above water, sometimes for a good while, I enjoy the feeling, I am above water and no longer wet all over, but then...the wave dies and I get dropped, usually head under which sucks because sometimes it's so unexpected that I don't have the time to hold my nose so I take in water, salt water, not tasty at all. Moreover I search for the surface and then I gasp for air, takes me a few moments to re-adjust, and then I am fine again. Now, is it better to just fight the bigger waves and prevent them from carrying me with them...if I know for a sure fact that they will eventually drop me, and what if it won't just be a head-under-the-water-drop but a slam dunk in the dark depth of the cold ocean, and what if it will suck so badly that I will have to learn how to breathe under water? What if the surface will be so far away I won't even catch a glimpse of it with my salt-clouded eyes?! Oh well, maybe I should stop being so skeptical and just believe in the waves and expect them to help me out, use them as tools...I mean what if, what if they will carry me to a lake, or a pond, or a gulf, a bay....what if?


ANYWAY, so I had another spur of the moment need to write and express how I feel without really writing about what it is that is bothering me...it tends to confuse people I know, but what I fear more is that if I do open up and really talk about what is in fact truly bothering me, I will let my guard down...what if I am being an idiot for feeling what I am feeling, or being ridiculous? That's why I hate talking/writing about how I feel in certain situations, it leaves me vulnerable. It's hard for me to open up (so far it's only been with a few people). It is strange however, because in the past it was so easy for me to just talk about how I feel and express my emotions to almost anyone, now I feel like I can't, like I'll be taken advantage of if I do, like people will exploit me in a way if I tell them what it is that's bothering me, or maybe they'll treat it as a minor issue when in fact to me it is something important and rather significant. AHH!!!!! I feel alone and it sucks because I am not really alone, yet why do I feel so lonely? Is it normal?? I also feel bored, I feel like everything is so routine, things are just there, they happen but it's like I know they will happen and I expect them to happen and I almost always know how they will turn out. Maybe I should take up a crazy hobby, maybe I should just go back and act, maybe I should just...

..go to sleep.