Today's Brew

painted faces fill the places i can't reach

2010-04-20T11:51:00.001-07:00

if you call me now baby then i'd come runnin

she said call me now baby...i'd come up runnin

2010-03-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

There must be something defective in my brain because I can not seem to get my mind off of it all, after all this time - seriously, there has to be something not right if it continues on like this. Was I not satisfied with the clear answer...but the answer perhaps was not clear and I refuse to believe that - that was it. How the eff. can I just stop thinking about.....

goodnight.

one year closer to the end of the world as we know it?

2010-03-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

Interesting concept that in 2012 the world will 'end'. Well perhaps the world as we know it will end...or maybe not. Either way, it is what it is...

To be or not to be...rejected?

2009-12-15T20:11:00.000-08:00

How to deal with rejection? Surely there are plenty of books, tutorials, etc. that are there for your reading pleasure and also to act as an emotional band aid once you've been rejected, but what can these tell you that you did not already anticipate to the least bit?

To what point to you keep everything inside until you can no longer do so.

Being true to yourself has to happen prior to being true to others, because no matter how much you try to beat around the bush and say anything just to appease a situation, deep down you know that you are full of sh*t and only you know how you really feel. On occasion there is that other person out there who can see through you and spot your sh*t outright yet you don't care and stay by your initial story hoping it will allllll just go away and out of your life.

So be it.

There are those who dwell, dwell and then dwell some more and some more till they have nothing left to do but keep dwelling and hoping. Then there are those who dwell, dwell and then stop. Think. Act and then decide whether it is worth to keep dwelling or if they should just dismiss everything and move along. I like the latter.

2009-12-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

Why do you choose to avoid to answer simple questions, why not just say yes or no, why say yes and then not follow up!?

2009-12-07T15:09:00.000-08:00

We know it may be bad yet we take a bite, we tell ourselves we shouldn't, we give ourselves 101 reasons, we let time pass hoping it'll slowly go away instead it builds up more and more until nothing can impede this sentiment, the ice will break sooner or later and the feeling may dissipate or it may intensify.

One tells himself that the time has come to confront another about his feelings admitting that regardless of what the other's reaction is, at least it's out there and no longer trapped inside a troubled mind. Secretly, however, the one doing the confronting hopes that the other's reaction is the same as his which is what fuels that courage to break the ice.

Filled with regret, knowing that having these feelings makes you as guilty almost as acting upon them, but you don't care because you like the feeling and rush it gives you, a certain feeling you can't shake and nor do you want to. The obvious, but almost not at all, evident and apparent indication that the other feels the same exact way, makes it that much more difficult to rid your mind of it because deep down you want something to happen, you don't want to think about the consequences since you know they won't be pleasant at least not in the beginning and perhaps they will for you but not for someone else, or maybe you're scared that if you take that bite, you may like it too much and then what - can you afford to buy the apple? What if you take the bite and you like it but not enough to take more bites and buy the apple yet you know you will still have to pay for it. You may look back and realize that the pear you had in your hand, that you threw away in the blink of an eye because you believed the apple is better tasting, is now in another's hand and you've lost it...forever.

You still wonder, and you weigh all the different variables but you don't care and go for the apple anyway while still holding on to the pear hoping for the best outcome.

The mind and the heart are two dangerous enemies to our vulnerable souls.

2009-11-13T16:49:00.000-08:00

I still can't get my mind to stop thinking about it all. I wish I never made that acquaintance, everything would be great otherwise.

Analysis

2009-10-17T21:09:00.001-07:00

I tend to analyze things and individuals from all perspectives and points of view in order to grasp some understanding and form a well rounded opinion, however there are times where things people do confuse the living sh*t out of me simply because they make no sense (in my head at least).

2009-10-14T20:35:00.001-07:00

101 reasons why..

2009-10-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

It's 1:06 am and I can't sleep...at all. There is one 'thing' on my mind that I can't get rid of, nor do I try to anymore, I am out of strength to keep fighting how I feel. I have not felt this conflicted emotionally in so long...maybe never quite in this way and I don't even know how it all began. I can't ignore my feelings any longer, but it's what I continue to do..just bottle everything up for fear. Am I the only one losing my mind? I want to laugh and cry in the same time, it is driving me completely out of my mind. I want to hike up a mountain and yell it all out loud but I feel as though I am several thousand feet below ground.

How does this happen? You think all you have is perfect, fairy tale with a happy ending and then one day out of nowhere some'thing' comes along and sweeps you off your feet and drops you hard on your ass making you see things you never thought would ever take over your mind and well.. heart.

It is what happened and I can't fight it anymore. 'There are 101 reasons why' I should try hard to fight this inevitable feeling, but I've no more energy left.

I suppose I'll end it with these quotes..

"The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of..."

"Cand inima se aprinde pe neasteptat, ea nu te intreaba si nu o poti ignora."

Felt the need to write again..

2009-07-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option!" - Good quote, damn good actually. I try to live by it but lately I've failed. I often tend to make those who I care about a priority in my life...whether they are relatives, old or new friends, etc. Why? I don't know honestly but maybe because I care and I like to know that they are taken care of and that I'll be there for them. Sadly, without necessarily expecting them to reciprocate but hoping that one day they may, most of these people are just WAY too involved and focused on themselves that they just simply DO NOT GIVE A DAMN about others. I think if people were less involved in themselves and started caring about the welfare of others and the environment that surrounds them, the world would be a whole better place. Unfortunately...the sad truth revealed it's nasty head!

I feel kinda down, maybe just moody lately. Ugh! I wanna get away because my mind has been pretty cluttered with nonsense esp. this past week and it's bullshiiitttt lol. Lately, I feel like I've been wasting a lot of my time and attention on certain individuals who simply don't deserve it. Looking back I realize that it was very stupid of me to do so because when the wheels turn and I need that time and attention from them, it is rarely ever reciprocated. Also, people seem to confuse me being nice and very open with something else...either way, I can't and won't change who I am and how I choose to live my life for anyone...comprende?! I am pretty carefree most of the time, love a good laugh and enjoy the company of friends. Most times when I am able to I am always there for people when they need me and will offer any and every sort of lending hand, toe or whatever else I can find in order to help them. Seems that lately people have been taking that for granted and it taught me that most humans in general are never satisfied...no matter how you go about trying to help them, be there for them, listen to them...they will ALWAYS find a way to say that it was not enough.

I REALLY WANT TO GO RUNNING...but it's effin' pouring out and I don't feel like getting my sneakers all wet again like I did a few days ago when I ran in the thunderstorm haha. Can't wait to depart for Europe in less than a week and forget about certain things and people. When I get back I'll be a different person! :]

Over thinking makes me over heat and explode! Ah!

2009-07-26T15:08:00.001-07:00

"Regret what you didn't do more than what you did do." I am not so sure about this, I mean this is just a quote that someone out there came up with because it was valid for him/her at that point in time. It has failed me because I feel like although you may regret what you didn't do at least you were left with your dignity somewhat. Doing something and then taking that chance and failing or becoming disappointed would be destructive [in my case]...but "what if?"

"Say what you need to say" (according to John Mayer at least) is also not good in most cases as this could leave you vulnerable for attacks and definitely for failure. It could on the other hand open new doors and make the other person able to open up and say things he/she would not have otherwise said had I not broken the ice. Hmm..

"Less is more" (with the exception of clothing haha...well in most circumstances lol) I think is the most appropriate quotation out of all above mentioned.

_____-__________-_____________-______________-___________-_____

Something is wrong with me for feeling this way, I shouldn't, I didn't expect to nor did I want this and it's driving me up the wall crazy right about now. I haven't felt this way in such a long time and it's creeping me out because I should be focusing on other things right now but this is preoccupying me and it's ANNOYING. I feel eroded because once again I let myself get to this type of a situation and now unlike any other time I feel like I can't control very well how I feel and suppress my emotions. Why is this happening to me?

I should go ahead and be free with my emotions but then again I am not the type to do that as much as I tell myself that I only live one life and have nothing to lose and that I should never fear what others think of me or how what I said impacts them...that would be selfish and ignorant though and I am not that way..

Nothing good would come out of this, I tried eradicating this out of my mind and as much as I try, it keeps coming back to me out of nowhere making it that much more appealing to approach again and fail once again, and then feel like crap.

I just need to find the strength within to completely and utterly ignore it. Yes. Exercise! :]

Keeps me bound where the whole wide world is free..

2009-07-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

My soul is wearying
My soul is wearying
My soul is wearying
I said my soul is wearying

My soul is wearying
Beating down from all of my misery yeh
Oh Lord who will comfort me?

Gotta hold of my heart
Keeps me bound where the whole wide world is free yeh
Oh Lord who will comfort me?

My home is a wreakage a family ground
impli-ed in poverty yeh
Oh Lord who will comfort me

Human

2009-06-03T03:51:00.000-07:00

To be human is to err or as Alexander Pope would have it: "to err is human."

Life presents one with challenges often too hard to pass, sometimes leading one to forget his/her own dignity and most times causing a certain weakness.

To be human is to be weak, not always, only at times when one feels that being week is actually just a facade serving for a bigger, more hidden purpose.

Sometimes we are [stupid] because we let our emotions drive our actions and then we act out of immediate impulse - it makes perfect sense to us because we justify it as being something necessary for us to do or else the world will end, sadly those around us view it all differently.

If we do not get the response we envision in our head (you know - when we plan it in our minds and expect the outcome to be favorable for us) then we immediately feel reject, remorse and regret. Then perhaps we move on so far as to blame those who made us feel this way not realizing that we imposed ourselves on them and demanded they take part in our plan we concocted in our heads.

We hope we forget the time we acted out of impulse, we hope it will never be remembered by us or the other parties involved, we eventually put it past us and then we move on... unknowingly we are most likely planning our next grand scheme.

To be human.

I have concluded...

2009-03-11T13:26:00.000-07:00

..that history should stay in the past. You know, the kind that involves the exact same people, feelings, surroundings but that takes place in the present. Well I realize that no matter how hard you try to preserve it to the natural state it has once been in, pretend you can re-live it, it is simply impossible because everything else around this constant history is no longer there. Think about two people kissing downtown on Wall Street for example in the evening, then freeze frame that same couple until the next morning during rush hour. The couple is still the same but no longer the same surrounding circumstances, now they are getting pushed and shoved and forced to break away causing a commotion, ultimately vanishing away into their own worlds... apart from one another.

That is the cycle as I perceive it and do not expect anyone else to do the same, but it makes sense to me.

History does not always remain in the past...

2009-02-19T18:27:00.000-08:00

A very odd thing to say I think - that history, which obviously refers to past events, can actually jump through time and become part of the present once again. Events, people, emotions have a way of resurfacing when you least expect them to and in a moment's notice they will not only be a part of your present but also the future.

History repeats itself? Well perhaps this is true, but what if this history that repeats itself contains the same exact people, circumstances, feelings and places? I think history just made a comeback!

Things that are in the past are there for a reason. Or not?

In Love

2007-01-17T23:53:00.000-08:00

"Simon and Garfunkel wrote that very haunting song, The Sound of Silence . It goes: Ten thousand people, maybe more. People talking without speaking; people hearing without listening; people writing songs that voices never shared, because no one dared disturb the sound of silence... It is a terrifying picture of our modern world, a world without communication and without love." -Corina

It's 2:45 am, I can't sleep...I have to write...I just came to this conclusion which opened my eyes and I think revealed my biggest fears..

Love and being in love - two significantly different things:

If you love someone you care deeply about them and make sure they are alright and that they are safe. If you are in-love with someone - you cannot wait for the next moment you can see them, you plan ahead and think of when is the next time you could possibly see eachother, you want to talk to them every waking moment, you want to call them up as soon as you see something that you think they may want to hear, or something that reminds you of them. When you are in love you feel it, you think about that other person so much it begins to cloud your mind, things you do begin to be influenced somewhat by this other person - in a good way. When you're in love you try your hardest to be close to that other person, because to you for that moment they mean everything. As hard as it would be to tell them, they are everything to you and even the closest of friends you've had up to that point become secondary - of course they are still there and you haven't forgotten about them, but this person you are in love with becomes somehow the center of your universe. You would do anything to make sure that the person you are in love with is safe, you would go through fire just to make sure they're ok, you would go to the end of the world and sometimes do things for them and because of them, which you would have never thought of doing or even considered possible - but now they are and as foolish as it may seem it isn't, it's because you're in love. You look at your phone or check your e-mail hoping they'd sent you something, you frown when they don't but it won't last long because the love you have for them is far greater and will suppress any negative feelings. You get this energy and positive vibe about you, this glow and this smile from ear to ear, the look that a person has when he/she is in-love. You become invincible to the world as this almost super-power of being in love takes over you.

I feel like the term I LOVE YOU and I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU are being mixed up a lot. I feel like some people may not understand the difference or think it's the same. It is not! The only instance where someone would not understand what I had just described above for the term IN LOVE, would be someone who has not felt it. It is easy to say I LOVE YOU and confuse it with I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, it is easy because feelings of attraction to someone or adoration, infatuation if you may, can cause one to think they are IN LOVE, however these tend to die out quickly, leaving this habitual feeling of 'love' which in fact is just being comfortable with the person and thinking that that's how things are supposed to be after a while...die out. NO! Things may take a slower pace, but they do not die out, that's if the whole being IN LOVE factor is mutually expressed. Now...sadly one may actually be in love with someone and think by that other's actions that so is he/she, but what if all they were feeling all along was this infatuation/lust/attraction which died out shortly after...what happens then? Unfortunately ladies and gents, this is why they say love is blind, because being in love with someone makes you loose your senses and completely ignore little signs that later become things that you once couldn't live without - yet now they are gone or barely occurring.

I sit here and I wonder how something one could fear so much, take for example falling in love - because people fear it, will come so unexpected and just settle in one's mind and heart. How is it that one would quickly and completely fall for someone after being so cautious to not stray away from the side of the road and onto the middle, how is it that someone can fall so blindly and not realize that perhaps it was just them falling, perhaps it was just them being in love in the middle of the road while the other person was always on the side, or strayed for a bit curiously tackling at the middle but then retreated to the comfort zone. How is it that one would fall so blindly and keep wanting to believe that the other person is also feeling the same? How can one try to convince themselves that the feeling is really mutual and that they have not fallen alone, how can one prove to another that they indeed are in love with them and do not intend on leaving them to the side, to when it's convenient for them to see the other person? How does one know...and why is it that being in-love lifts you up on such an incredible high yet also sometimes manages to throw you down so hard until all is left of you is little pieces, which again after a while will be put together, only to be broken again, maybe not so hard next time...

...or at least so we hope.

swimming

2006-10-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a little under the water, like I am above water with my eyes but with my mouth and half of my nostrils I am beneath. Water is splashing in my eyes from time to time as the waves are smoothly but surely crashing into me. I wonder how I would cope in a lake, perhaps a pond or even a puddle? I guess however, that there are only a certain few, luckier ones, who get to stay in the pond or the lake, all of us other ones, less lucky, get thrown in the big ocean like little fish get thrown in a fish tank to serve as food for the bigger fish. So now what do I do? Well I guess since the ocean is the only water I know, one would be correct to assume that by now I would be quite accustomed to the occasional bigger waves (aside from the usual smaller ones of course) but the truth is, you can never be fully prepared for those waves, I mean how do you know? You don't. They just come out of nowhere...from beneath, like the tsunamis. Sometimes it's ok because some of the bigger wave carry me with them for a while...they keep me above water, sometimes for a good while, I enjoy the feeling, I am above water and no longer wet all over, but then...the wave dies and I get dropped, usually head under which sucks because sometimes it's so unexpected that I don't have the time to hold my nose so I take in water, salt water, not tasty at all. Moreover I search for the surface and then I gasp for air, takes me a few moments to re-adjust, and then I am fine again. Now, is it better to just fight the bigger waves and prevent them from carrying me with them...if I know for a sure fact that they will eventually drop me, and what if it won't just be a head-under-the-water-drop but a slam dunk in the dark depth of the cold ocean, and what if it will suck so badly that I will have to learn how to breathe under water? What if the surface will be so far away I won't even catch a glimpse of it with my salt-clouded eyes?! Oh well, maybe I should stop being so skeptical and just believe in the waves and expect them to help me out, use them as tools...I mean what if, what if they will carry me to a lake, or a pond, or a gulf, a bay....what if?

ANYWAY, so I had another spur of the moment need to write and express how I feel without really writing about what it is that is bothering me...it tends to confuse people I know, but what I fear more is that if I do open up and really talk about what is in fact truly bothering me, I will let my guard down...what if I am being an idiot for feeling what I am feeling, or being ridiculous? That's why I hate talking/writing about how I feel in certain situations, it leaves me vulnerable. It's hard for me to open up (so far it's only been with a few people). It is strange however, because in the past it was so easy for me to just talk about how I feel and express my emotions to almost anyone, now I feel like I can't, like I'll be taken advantage of if I do, like people will exploit me in a way if I tell them what it is that's bothering me, or maybe they'll treat it as a minor issue when in fact to me it is something important and rather significant. AHH!!!!! I feel alone and it sucks because I am not really alone, yet why do I feel so lonely? Is it normal?? I also feel bored, I feel like everything is so routine, things are just there, they happen but it's like I know they will happen and I expect them to happen and I almost always know how they will turn out. Maybe I should take up a crazy hobby, maybe I should just go back and act, maybe I should just...

..go to sleep.

a road less taken

2006-09-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

It is truly amazing how sometimes things which one fears most...happen to in fact be what is best for that person. I would not have expected this, nor would I have thought this could happen...so here it goes:

I was carefully walking along in the dark on the side of a road which I did not know, I was scared I may trip on a hole and fall [get hurt, make a mistake]...so I was cautious, perhaps I kicked a few pebbles around out of fear or trying to fill some of the holes which may arise in my path. I continued to walk, straying a little on towards the middle of the road, but always running back to the side where no holes might have come up in my path. It just so happened that I wanted to stray more at one moment..simply because something very powerful drew me towards the middle of the road, I was aware of the possibility of tripping and I let myself trip but I was oooh soo cautious NOT TO FALL because I had this pre-conceived notion in my mind that falling was actually bad and that it would definitely end up hurting me as it has before, however I told myself that tripping doesn't have to turn into falling if I won't let it and I made sure I was not going to let myself do so, by no means. Later on as was being so cautious NOT to fall...this something which made me TRIP was so strong that I had no other choice but to fall....

I FELL

...in love with you.

Life as we know it or thought we knew it...

2006-06-15T06:49:00.000-07:00

It is around 9:40, Thursday morning. Windy outside...I hear some scattered thunders and see some droplets of rain. Earlier I went to buy today's paper and I saw some unbelievable articles which quite frankly upset me, moreover they kind of turned my stomach upside down and inside out. I was meaning to write some stuff these past few days but hadn't quite been able to bring myself up to actually type, so now that I've gathered a somewhat heavy and mildly disturbing accumulation of SHIT [yes, disturbing excrements of society] I will go ahead and post.

....brb.

What is that which defines us?

2006-06-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

I chose to become rather skeptical lately when it comes to what decisions I should make. I realize now, painfully quite, after several years that I have simply thrown myself so easily at life and allowed it to take advantage of me in many ways. At that time I guess, I thought that life was simply offering me privileges and that I ought to endulge in them and accept them regardless of what my inner true calling was telling me. I used to think I'll just go with the flow and let life's 'wave' carry me on as far as it can and that I'll just deal with whatever obstacle I may have to face. Sadly as I stated before, I came to the conclusion that it just simply isn't so. Everyone in their lives has somewhat of a calling, whether it is to be a plumber, a trapeze performer, a doctor, an astronaut, a soldier or an actor...it is because there is a passion deep within which surpasses any other, a passion to make life fit oneself the way he or she desires to in order to make him/her happy.
I am not happy.
I feel confined and compelled by a physical, moral and circumstancial force which truthfully I had brought upon myself, not knowing what it really entails. I feel constrained by habit to a life not of my own but strangely mine. Why is that so? I sit here and I ponder because it sort of hurts me inside and makes me cringe at the thought of it all. I now realize that once we are about to make a life decision which gives us even the slightest doubt, we ought to not go through with it or at least re-consider it and weigh other options (if available.)
I can only half-smile.
I have a constrained smile, lacking true joy and excitement about the future, because I can almost forsee the future and what it holds. Nothing of what I had initially planned for myself. The reason for this is because I did not believe that planning everything was strictly essential, merely a 'requirement' in society. It is. It is essential when it comes to placing oneself on the step he/she wants to be placed on. I wish I could just change a few things, but then even the slightest, smallest thing that I would change would therefore impact my whole life as it is right now. Had I not taken the paths in life that I had taken, would I have met the same people, made the same mistakes and learned the same valuable lessons? The question is, would I need those valuable lessons had I not taken those paths? Where am I now? I want to wake up in the morning and feel free, free from my own chains. It is quite ironic how one can chain him/herself up in such a manner in which he/she can no longer escape; where one consciously puts on cuffs knowing they may never find the key; tying up knots which they know not how to untie.
This is me right now, I feel tied, chained and 'knotted.'
I want to find the key, be able to untie the knot and take off these chains. I want out.